Lately, I don't feel there is anything of consequence in my life to write about. Well not that anyone would care to hear anyway. It would all be whining and complaining and I mostly keep that to myself. Nobody likes a whiner. lol

A few things of interest, I suppose. One, my husband quit drinking. He realized how much money he spent on alcohol and was shocked so he said no more of that. And gee, oddly enough he has felt so much better physically since he quit. Imagine that.
Two, we are back to a 2 vehicle family. No more driving him to and from work, no more relying on his mom to help us out there. I love my mother-in-law, and really hated having to ask for help, but she was so great about it and never once complained! She rocks!

We're still not pregnant, though my cousin-in-law gave me a fertility monitor to use to help determine when I ovulate. And well she has 3 kids so I'm thinking it works. Thanks JP!!

Now if I can just get back in the habit of going to the gym 3 times a week, maybe I'll have more energy. Since I've been back to work I come home completely exhausted. Probably because I did a lot of sitting around for 10 weeks prior to that. And of course I have to be at work at 8, so I'm up at 630, which I despise. But it's all for the mighty dollar. We need a lot more coming in to get totally caught up so I'm doing my part, going to work every day, pushing through even though I'm not totally crazy about the place I work. That goes under the whining and complaining category so we just won't go there. :)

Okay to cheer myself up, and whoever may be reading this, I'm gonna name 3 things I love about my life....

1) the man I married...without him I am truly afraid I would not be here....he is my partner in crime, my rock, my best friend...love you babe!!

2) my family...blood-related, married into, people I'm so close to they might as well be family--I am truly blessed to have a family that loves and supports me so very much. Whenever I hear about people that don't have a close relationship with their family it makes me sad cause I think everyone needs that....also makes me feel so lucky to have such close relationships with mine. :)

3) my dog...I know, corny right? But I tell you what, even on the gloomiest of days, when all I've heard is babies crying, or teachers yelling, or the pounding in my own head I know I can always come home and he will be right there so very excited to see me. And without fail, it always makes me smile.

Lord, for these things I am truly grateful and feel very blessed. Thank you, amen.

A week of dreams

This week I have had 3 dreams about my husband. They were all different though. And no, I won't go into too much detail because that's just personal. :)

Anyway, so I'm just trying to figure it out in my head why I'm having these dreams. Now, I am one of those people who remembers their dreams quite frequently. I can even remember a few dreams I had as a kid. Weird, right? But never in my life have I dreamt about one thing/person 3 times in one week. On one hand, I think it's cool cause it is about my husband and maybe it proves how much I love him and think about him. :) On the other hand, maybe there is some underlying issue that hasn't surfaced between us yet and my subconscious is trying to warn me. Or maybe I'm just reading into it way too much.

So yeah, my week has been filled with lots of dreams, feeling sick and leaving work early on Thursday, enjoying 80 degree weather in April. Watch, tomorrow it'll snow. lol

I got a job

So I finally landed myself a job. I'm back in the world of daycare, working as a van driver taking kids to and from school and on field trips during the summer. Not bad right? Yeah I could get used to it.

Now that we are once again on the verge of financially stable, I think it's time to revisit the whole fertility thing. You know, get back on the horse and what not. LOL For the last 2 and 1/2 months I have been so stressed out that it kind of messed with my cycles. Hopefully stability will help level me out again.

Here's hoping! God bless and Happy Easter!

Nothing New

Still no job, still not pregnant. I'm thinking it would be a better idea to get a job first though. Hm.

Ten years ago today my world came to a screeching halt. Ten years ago today my grandma died.

It wasn't just like that though. Two days earlier she had slipped into a coma and the whole family, including me, rushed to the hospital to be with her. That same night,while we were all still there at the hospital, my dad was getting ready to go to work when he got a call saying that his dad was being rushed to another hospital. Before he could even get there my grandpa had passed away. He came back to the hospital we were at looking sadder than I had ever seen him in my life. Grandma (my mom's mom) was sitting here dying of lung cancer, so we were a little more prepared. Although I'm not sure you can ever be prepared to lose a loved one. And to find out that Grandpa had died so quickly and unexpectedly...I was at a loss for comprehension.

Two days later, at around 2:30 in the morning, my grandma stopped breathing. A bunch of us were at her bedside and watched her take her last breath. It was haunting, but then again I was grateful to have some sort of closure, whereas with Grandpa there was none.

I got through the rest of the week in a haze, not even knowing what day of the week it was. March the 13th brought Grandpa's visitation and funeral, where I saw my cousin M cry. That was the hardest thing to watch. He was 21 years old, in the military, Grandpa's favorite fishing buddy. It tore me up.

March the 15th brought Grandma's funeral. There were a lot of people there, many I did not know, many I don't remember seeing. When it was my turn to walk by the casket all the stress and grief caught up with me and I collapsed. Thank God someone was standing behind me or else I would have hit the floor hard. That's not how I wanted to remember one of the most important people in my life. Not laying in a casket.

My job wasn't very forgiving. I think my boss thought I was lying to him just to get out of work. Fortunately my roommate, who also worked there, told him everything and he was a little more understanding. But still, no one knew what I was going through cause no one had lost 2 grandparents in the same week. Not like that.

So no there's nothing new in my life. Just some 10 year old memories that have been on my mind all day long. I miss you Grandma...I miss you too Grandpa.

News on the Job Front

I had an interview last week with a preschool, and luckily they are building a brand new one 10 minutes away from me. It was technically a first interview, they do 2 interviews in their 'process'. I should get a call in the next few days about the 2nd interview. Their new building opens in March, so I'm hoping that if I do get hired then I would be working there, as opposed to where I had the interview (35 minutes away). Anyway, the place seems real nice, organized, friendly. We'll see how that turns out.

Then tonight I got an email for a phone interview from another company. I emailed her my resume and said yes I will be available Monday at 9am! Whew. And this is actually a company whose overflow of kids for their daycare used to go to the daycare I previously worked at for 5 years. Make sense? Anyway, point being I am familiar with them. So, things are looking up.

My prayers are the same time and time again...if I can just get a job, financially we'll be fine. If I can just get pregnant, I'll have everything I ever wanted out of life....to be a mother. Yes, I do believe in God. And I do believe he hears my prayers.

I'm lost

Lately, the world seems to be crashing down in bits and pieces all around me. I still don't have a job. We owe the IRS money instead of getting a refund. We're still not pregnant. And slowly I just seem to be going into a downward spiral emotionally. :(

It's not that I don't want to be positive that things will work out, because I think deep down I know they will eventually. I just seem to be living too much in the moment, which stinks, so it makes me unmotivated to do anything at all. I don't feel like cleaning, or doing laundry, or taking the dog for a walk. I don't feel like talking, because it would just sound like a big complaint. Yeah I know how it sounds. I already heard that from my DH. He doesn't understand, therefore he thinks it's something I can just snap out of. So I don't talk to him about it. I just pretend I'm fine and he thinks I am and we're both happy. Well, okay, not me.

Even now, I can't even think of words to describe how I feel. It's like I'm of no worth to anyone, not even myself, so why bother. I really hope a decent job comes along real soon so I can feel like I make a difference again. To the kids, to their parents, to my husband, to myself. I just wanna feel like me again.

25 Random Things

I do not have Facebook, but have noticed this one going around blogs too. So I thought I'd steal it. Cause I'm bored and need something to pass the time. :)

1. I love the color black.
2. I despise pink.
3. I know people say this a lot, but my husband truly is my best friend. I can't imagine going through life without him.
4. I don't ever want to own a car again. Only trucks if I can help it.
5. I have really small feet and hands. Depending on the shoe, I can wear anything from a 4 to a 5 and 1/2. And those stretchy, one-size-fits-all gloves are a little big for me.
6. I love finding frames I didn't remember I had and even more finding pictures to go in them.
7. When I was young I had a terrible premonition I wouldn't live past 18.
8. I thought I'd be the one to end my life before 18.
9. I want to have a child so badly it physically hurts.
10. I hardly ever wear sandals that show a lot of my feet cause I don't like to look at bare feet, even my own.
11. I am miserable without a job. Partially because we do need more income than what DH brings home, but partially cause I don't know what to do with myself all day at home.
12. I don't wear makeup on a daily basis.
13. After a long day of cleaning house I feel a great sense of relief and accomplishment. I like things to be clean.
14. Some days I wish my DH would shave his goatee just so I could see what he would look like completely clean shaven.
15. Pajama pants are my absolute favorite thing to wear.
16. The only jewelry I wear on a daily basis is my wedding ring.
17. When I was younger, I imagined myself having 6 or 7 kids, but now I think I'd be perfectly content with just one.
18. I love instrumental music--classical, jazz, piano, love it. It's very soothing and relaxing to me.
19. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my grandma that passed away 10 years ago. Not a single day.
20. Lately (probably since my wedding) I've been fascinated with photography and would looooove to have a really nice camera to take pictures with.
21. I am a night owl to the core. Have been since I was a child, always will be.
22. Someday I would really like to have a breast reduction.
23. Though it may sound a bit silly, blogging acts as a form of therapy for me. I think it's the fact that I'm talking (or writing) to no one in particular that appeals to me. Like writing in a diary did when I was a kid.
24. Actual therapy did absolutely nothing for me. Not helpful whatsoever.
25. I consider myself blessed to have the few very good friends I have, because I think my standards are a little high. But I'm not sure I really care that they are. At least then I know who my friends really are.