Wedding albums galore!

I'm very excited, I started putting together my wedding albums last night. I could not pull myself away from this computer...I was up till 3am working on them. But, I never thought it would be so fun to put these together myself. I'm doing them in Shutterfly and it's so user-friendly that my dog could do it. I've already made one for us, and for my MIL, now onto my parents. So far each one has been a little different from the previous one, which is how I wanted it. And this is going to turn out to be waaayyyyy cheaper than having the photographer make one for us. I just can't wait to see how they turn out!

*sigh*

The feelings conveyed in my last blog still linger within me, but I've decided to make a conscious effort not to talk to anyone about them because they might take them the wrong way. For instance, one of the random thoughts that has passed through my head has been 'ya know, I could just swallow a whole bottle of my sleeping pills and not wake up and I'd be okay with that'. Believe me, I know how it sounds and to tell someone out loud might make it seem like I'm absolutely suicidal. I'm really not, though, because I'm working on reminding myself why I have reasons to live. I'm doing therapy within myself, basically.

I'm trying really hard to keep the peace, and so far it's working. Somehow I still feel like I need to be heard. Thank God for the blog then cause I don't know who to talk to. I don't think anyone would sit across from me and honestly say 'I know how you feel and I'll be here to listen'. Seems like my own husband can't even do the latter part of that sentence. All I want is for him to listen to me, support me, hold me and tell me everything will be alright. Isn't that what husbands are supposed to do?

Please God, just touch his heart and remind him he's my best friend and I need him more than ever right now.

Something's not right

For the time being, I've decided to be a temp nanny/caregiver/sitter through an agency where they give me different places to go, day to day. Kinda like being a floater in a daycare. I think for right now it is the way to go. That way I can work when I want, I get paid the same day I work, and I have time to finally get going on that schoolwork I've put off for too long. But even though I've come to this conclusion, there's still something that's not right. My husband and I have been fighting constantly, last night being a pretty big blow out. The really sad part is I don't know how to fix what's wrong with us. I'm not even sure I know what's wrong with us. And because of all this stress with the job and within our marriage I have become deeply depressed. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy? And most of all, why can't I convey any of this to my husband without fighting with him about it??

The sad reality, to me, is I miss my job. Not certain people, not the hours, but inevitably I miss it. But I cannot go back, not unless things change. I think I really need to talk to someone about this.