*sigh*

The feelings conveyed in my last blog still linger within me, but I've decided to make a conscious effort not to talk to anyone about them because they might take them the wrong way. For instance, one of the random thoughts that has passed through my head has been 'ya know, I could just swallow a whole bottle of my sleeping pills and not wake up and I'd be okay with that'. Believe me, I know how it sounds and to tell someone out loud might make it seem like I'm absolutely suicidal. I'm really not, though, because I'm working on reminding myself why I have reasons to live. I'm doing therapy within myself, basically.

I'm trying really hard to keep the peace, and so far it's working. Somehow I still feel like I need to be heard. Thank God for the blog then cause I don't know who to talk to. I don't think anyone would sit across from me and honestly say 'I know how you feel and I'll be here to listen'. Seems like my own husband can't even do the latter part of that sentence. All I want is for him to listen to me, support me, hold me and tell me everything will be alright. Isn't that what husbands are supposed to do?

Please God, just touch his heart and remind him he's my best friend and I need him more than ever right now.

Something's not right

For the time being, I've decided to be a temp nanny/caregiver/sitter through an agency where they give me different places to go, day to day. Kinda like being a floater in a daycare. I think for right now it is the way to go. That way I can work when I want, I get paid the same day I work, and I have time to finally get going on that schoolwork I've put off for too long. But even though I've come to this conclusion, there's still something that's not right. My husband and I have been fighting constantly, last night being a pretty big blow out. The really sad part is I don't know how to fix what's wrong with us. I'm not even sure I know what's wrong with us. And because of all this stress with the job and within our marriage I have become deeply depressed. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy? And most of all, why can't I convey any of this to my husband without fighting with him about it??

The sad reality, to me, is I miss my job. Not certain people, not the hours, but inevitably I miss it. But I cannot go back, not unless things change. I think I really need to talk to someone about this.

Back to the drawing board :(

Recently, I had the high of finding a great new job, where I would be a nanny to one child (talk about a big change for me!). And now I am at the low of not having that job anymore. Just didn't work out. I feel, very leary of what's to come next for me. It was a huge deal when I quit my job of 5 years, now it's an even bigger deal to not have the job I've had for the last 2 weeks. What am I doing wrong?

Also, lately I've felt a little disconnected from some of my friends. You tend to make a few friends when you work side by side with them for several years, so when you remove yourself from that work, well, you get lonely. Especially someone like me, for whom it's somewhat difficult to make new friends. I can come off as strangely shy or even bitchy, but that's just how I am when I meet new people. I warm up, and if I click with them then they get to know the real me. Which I hope people consider to be funny and smart and maybe a little goofy or nerdy at times. Really, I just want to keep in touch with the good friends I made through my other job. *sigh*

Clean room feels good

Today I tackled the enormous task of cleaning my computer room. It's not a very big room, but things had been piling up big time this last year with planning a wedding and all. So I got up, got dressed, and started digging in. Whoa.

I had things from the wedding all in a pile by the closet door, to where you couldn't even get in the closet. Wrapping paper and gift bags and some with gifts still in them. I threw out a bunch of stuff I had been keeping for sentimental reasons, which didn't seem so important anymore. I put probably 10 years worth of pictures I haven't put in albums, well I put them in a box anyway. Now I know where to find them all when I'm ready to tackle that project. But, I do have lots of frames to fill and I organized all of those as well. My handsome nephew now adorns several small frames on my desk so I can see him whenever I want. :) In the end I had one huge black trash bag and a box filled with stuff to throw out. Who knew this little room could hold that much junk?! It's just such a good feeling when things are clean. And it's only Saturday. :)

A new job, a new start

I did something this year that is a very big step for me. I got a new job! Anyone that knows me knows that a big change like this to me is extremely daunting. I've constantly held a job (all except for that two months after high school) since I was 16 years old. Okay, in MY head that is a long time to be the stable one. But, that's me, that's who I am. I don't generally make huge life-altering decisions like quitting my job, or buying a vehicle or a house, or get married without putting some very long and detailed thought into it. Ironically, I did two of those very things in the last 3 months. LOL I changed my last name, which I didn't think would be a big deal but it's been a bittersweet experience after all. I quit my job. What was I thinking?! Oh yeah....I was tired of all the drama, and feeling completely unappreciated in the eyes of those I worked for. That's all.

But I digress...the new job. It's in the same field, childcare. But this time I will be focusing all my love and care for ONE family. Oh how I look forward to this experience! I was hired from my first interview with a family, how lucky is that! No, you're right, it's not luck. It's 10 years of hard work and loving many many children and knowing what the hell I'm doing in the process. Oh, yes, I do LOVE my children. Just for anyone who didn't think so.

DH was a little freaked out when I didn't have a job the day I quit my old one. Okay, a LOT freaked out, to the point where he kept asking if I could just stay at the old job till I found a new one. Um, NO. It's the principle of it all. I can't just quit and then go back and say oh well can I stay for a little while longer? It's not even that, I did not enjoy getting up in the morning to go to a place I didn't want to be for the next 8 hours. I dreaded going to work. Not because of the kids, no that's the only part I'll miss, them and their families that I got so close to. It was because it was time to leave. I won't air out my dirty laundry here, because I do want to go back and visit from time to time. Basically, it's personal. :)

So now it's a new year and I get a clean slate, job-wise. And relationship-wise too. I'm a married woman with a new job. What's left? Oh, right, a house and kids....we'll get to that some other time, but for now this'll do.

Merry Christmas!

So this time of year, especially in the last 10 years I'd say, has become very neutral 'holiday' time. Political correctedness has really taken over society because we don't want to offend people. Hm that's odd, cause MOST people that I know personally celebrate Christmas, so I say Merry Christmas. I do know a few that celebrate Hanukkah and one who is Muslim even, so of course to them I say Happy Holidays. But come on people, the majority of people in this country celebrate Christmas so why not just say it?? MERRY CHRISTMAS! There I did it. What are ya gonna do about it? So to all of my family and friends....MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Big news for me.....I quit my job. My last day there is the 28th of this month. After 5 years of putting up with drama drama drama it is just time to move on. Especially when it was my name getting dragged through the mud. Why do people think it's okay to talk trash on other people that they really don't even know?? Just had to let that out.

Because of all the drama at work, it's been a little hard for me to get in the Christmas spirit like I usually do. And I hate that. I hate that I let it bother me so much I can't even enjoy the freakin holidays!! But, slowly and steadily I am gathering gifts to give out this year. To some people this sounds really weird, but I'm using money we got from people at the wedding to buy Christmas gifts. My mom thinks we should spend it on ourselves, but this is what makes me happy-buying for other people. I find it really difficult to buy things for myself, and almost always feel guilty afterwards. I feel much better spending it on other people. :)

So, to get myself in the spirit, I am going to share a few pictures of my Christmas tree and ornaments....